Adolescence: how to manage a key stage where contrary needs must be met | experts | moms and dads

adolescence. A word that leaves no one indifferent, not even the adolescents themselves. A stage not exempt from conflicts with family, friends and even with themselves. The word adolescence comes from the Latin adolescence and it means “to flourish”, “to grow”. Adolescence is synonymous with brain development and updating, but like everything in life it comes at a price: arguments, misunderstanding, intense emotions and the occasional yelling and slamming the door are aspects that will not be alien to parents of adolescent children.

The fact that we are the only animal species that, upon reaching this stage, does not separate from our parents increases and fuels these conflicts. The truth is that the adolescent is a great misunderstood. They are frequently pointed out, and I believe that delving into this stage will help us better understand them and soften the side effects of this very important moment in our life cycle.

There are many affective needs that an adolescent has, but I would like to focus on the four needs that, in my opinion, are most relevant to understanding and caring for our adolescent children.

1. Need to be seen: the adolescent needs to be the focus of attention to establish his personality, his way of feeling and seeing the world. Just like a few years ago, as a child, they needed their parents’ attention when they drew a picture or reached an achievement, now it is the peer group that enters the scene to see the adolescent. Of course, mothers, fathers and teachers continue to be important when it comes to covering the adolescent’s need to be seen, but now friends and colleagues are more relevant. We therefore go from a vertical relationship (parents and authority figures) and a horizontal relationship (friends).
2. Sense of belonging: in line with the previous need, not only do they need to be relevant to their peers, but they also need to belong to the group. Adolescents will do everything in their power, crazy as it may seem, as long as they are accepted and belong to the group. Sometimes, clothing, political ideas or certain practices are nothing more than intentions aimed at belonging to a group. We are a vulnerable species from before we were born and, therefore, we need the protection of the pack. Being accepted and integrated by the group will be synonymous with protection and security. Otherwise, embedded physics can be seriously jeopardized. This is seen very clearly in the cases of bullying and suicide attempts that seem to have increased dangerously in recent years.
3. Identity: here comes one of the great paradoxes of the adolescent stage. At the same time that he needs to belong to the group and blend into the anonymity of the crowd, another very powerful need appears that pushes him to differentiate himself from others, especially from his parents. You need to belong to the pack that will give you protection, but there is also a need to feel unique and accepted as different. For this reason, a different, even radical, way of dressing, thinking, feeling and doing can appear in the adolescent compared to their parents and the current social trend. These two contrary needs will lead the adolescent to an inevitable existential crisis with himself and with others.
4. Autonomy: with this great crisis of values ​​and personality on the table, the adolescent also needs that his parents and reference adults allow him to separate himself, not only physically, but also emotionally, from them. They need us to trust them and empower them, although it is also legitimate and we must take into account our fears when it comes to letting go. Enhancing their autonomy and ability to do things for themselves is something that we should encourage.

These are the four great needs that we adults must promote and cover in our adolescent children so that we can say that this stage has been good enough, fulfilling its main objective: having a brain that is more prepared and adapted for adult life. Our adolescent children will actively seek to satisfy these needs, even if some of them are in conflict: they want to be part of the group of friends (integration), but at the same time they will try to differentiate themselves from them (differentiation). It is difficult to understand and manage the fact of wanting to satisfy needs, not only different, but contrary. The adolescent will be willing to pay whatever is necessary in order to cover them. For the adult it will be a challenge and an art to have to manage and attend to these needs in the adolescent in a sufficiently good way.

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